Why I'm more afraid of having a son than a daughter

[Aphie]

Everybody wants to know what gender Splodge is.
New-made acquaintances at this Christmas past thought nothing of swanking up five minutes after introduction and asking "So do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"
An old friend from highschool asked me early on 'What do you want?"
When I confessed to desiring a daughter she turned on me an incredulous look "But what if it's a boy?"
The hormones urged me to snap "I'll shove it back in and demand a refund!" but I was ever so controlled. And thus she is still a friend.

What irks me even more are those that follow up the question on gender with "as long as it's healthy."
Again, my hormones whisper away. Have you ever HEARD an expectant mother or father say "Oh, we want a special needs baby! One with lots of birth defects!"?
It makes me want to shake them.

The common refrain seems to be "better a boy than a girl" as people contemplate the looming armageddon of puberty in their child's life. Frequent remarks about "locking my daughter up when she's sixteen" are passed, chuckling amongst men I know (Yes, because if a girl has sex it's The End Of the World, and getting pregnant and/or raped is All Her Fault and nothing to do with how their sons and his friends are raised). This stuff seems so asinine I don't even respond to it anymore.

And I know, should I have a daughter, that even early on I can say "Stop telling my little girl that she SHOULD wear pink, it's sexist. She can wear whatever colour she wants." I know people will get this. I know I won't have to justify and explain it in depth, although I'll probably have to put up with sniggers and whispered comments and possibly a tanty from one of the traditionalist grandparents.
But with a son I worry, terribly, about stuff like this, from Persephone's Box:
My son is having serious anxiety attacks that have been keeping him home lately. Mainly he just feels the uncontrollable need to cry for extended periods, and he's terrified this will happen to him at school. I wasn't too concerned because the same thing happened to my daughter when she was in grade 6 - the hormones kick in and everything goes for a shit. Except she never missed school because of it. She wasn't worried about losing it in front of people, much less terrified of the possibility.

I'm afraid of the first time a cooing little old lady in the street bends over and says "He's such a big, strong boy."
I'm afraid of the first time a grandfather says to my son "Big boys don't cry".
I'm worried about my son playing games with other neighbourhood kids, hitting them and screeching, and having other parents say "He's such a boy".
I'm worried about my son being taught by the words and behaviour of the adults and other children around him that it's not okay to cry or show emotions, it's okay to declare "books suck!" and that to be a Real Man he should develop an interest in physics and chemistry over art and music, that it's his right to treat women like objects, that it's his right to express his anger violently.

My partner, now in his 30s, is a wonderful man - but he had to find his own way to where he is. I don't want that for my son. But if we teach him it's okay to cry, how do we protect him in the playground, from the other boys whose parents have taught them differently? Apart from his Daddy, who will he have to be a role model?
In our wider social circle we know women IT professionals, women mothers, women administrators, women teachers, women scientists, women lawyers, women social workers. We know women who are good at maths, women who write well, women artists and women who enjoy sports - including various martial arts.
We don't really know any male artists or writers. We don't know any male dancers. We don't really know any gentle men, men who have cried in public, who have expressed hurt first, before anger.

In some ways it's easier to think about raising a daughter who can challenge gender roles. But I worry about a future son.

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[Heidi Ahrens]

A friend of mine has a mother who has issues with her having a boy. She seems them as unruly and disturbing.

We were at a concert one day and my daughter went over to a couple with boys. She said to me 'wow, those parents must be relieved to be in the presence of a girl since they have two boys'.

Why are we so sexist?

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[Erin C]

I love your baby's "full name". Ours was just Kicky Peanut, as he was startlingly good at kicking my bladder at inopportune moments.

I read this very soon after you posted it and have been thinking for days about how I could respond. My little one will be a year old in February, so I haven't had this particular issue t deal with in practice yet.

I read your post to my husband last night and it sparked an amazing conversation between us. I didn't realize how much he had to overcome to be the sensitive, non-standard, artsy guy that he is. Here's our game plan, though it is certainly not tested: We will teach our son how to express his emotions in a constructive way, like taking a break from a situation that is making him angry or frustrated. We will also teach him tolerance for those who are not constructive, for example, it's perfectly reasonable to run away from a fight or to defend yourself. We will teach him to defend people who are being harassed or teased for showing their emotions. And if we have a little sister for him one day, we will teach her the same.

As far as gender profiling from a young age, you could go further than I have by picking an androgynous name and not color-coding your kiddo. For instance, one of my friends is trying to conceive and she plans on naming the baby Ripley, regardless of sex. Of course, that'll only work for a while.

I will post more as I have more thoughts. Best wishes to you and thanks again for sharing!

[Aphie]

Baby's full name in utero is Aloysius Adventure Splodge, Emily. ;)

I'm really shocked that people thought you'd be unhappy you didn't have a boy!

[Emily HW]

:: hugs :: Oh, Aphie, I went through this myself a year ago. Everyone asked me "Are you disappointed that you aren't having a boy?" No! I was relieved! I do think that boys have *a lot* more problems in the prepubescent years, and I would be so lost in raising them! But, I just wanted to tell you that you expressed my fears perfectly.

Luckily, Erin has a boy, so she can help us out if we do have males... I'm not planning on having another child for a very very long time though. ;p I guess we just have to keep striving to guide our children into being real, live people, instead of the breathing, mindless masses that the rest of the world would prefer them to be.

Good luck. From even the little that I have seen of you, I have confidence that you will be a great mother, no matter what the sex of the baby is. Annnnd I love the name Splodge. :-)