Five-Year-Old Behavior

[Molly]

I have read many a parenting book in my time, but most of the ones I have only talk about baby and toddler behavior. This means that now I am getting into "unknown" territory with my oldest daughter who will turn 6 in a few weeks. Apart from the fact that she has always been the most "difficult" of my three kids, she seems so bossy and unmanageable sometimes, while sweet and agreeable other times. Can anyone give me more opinions/knowledge about typical 5 and 6 year old behavior? I'm left scratching my head half the time......

[everymom]

I have three kids and what I can share is that every stage invovles boundary testing. The boundaries change as children grow and mature but the testing of them never does. As the parent you (and your husband/partner) need to be super clear on what is acceptable behavior in your family and what is not. Your child needs to know what these boundaries are and be forwarned as to what the consequences of misbehavior are. The consequences have to be clear from the outset. if your kids know they can catch you off guard with misbehavior or that you never follow through on your consequenses threats then they will exploit that, for sure, no doubt. Invariably you child will test you with either blatant disregard for the rules or challenge you with the "I'm sorry I forgot!". You then have to firmly and without any arguement meet out the consequence you already warned would happen. You don't need lenghthy explainations, certainly don't apologize for holding up family standards and be pepared to be flexible with family plans. My youngest was famous for acting out in public or defying one of us as we are trying to get out the door. We made it very clear, often, consequences will happen anywhere, anytime he misbehaved. It's best to prepare young kids for what is expected of them but sometimes they just want to do what they want to do no matter what. So then, pick your battles wisely because once you engage, you have to win.

[donna]

Gosh, I don't remember doing any of that with my kids. Mostly I think I worked the environment around to be supportive of the feelings and needs of all members of the family and tried to teach consideration and understanding through nmodeling it to the children. That nsounds very high fallutin but it seems once you get into the rules punishment expectations of exploitation for any weakness shown it undermines the idea of positive behaviour for itself. Anyway, both boys have turned out to be "the nicest boy I ever met" according to many people and are successfully finishing at first rate Universities.

[everymom]

I think we are on the same page. Let's say the six year has been asked to put on her own boots and jacket (not an unreasonable or unrealistic request) so the family can get out the door and be on time for a movie. Now said six year old doesn't want to stop what she is doing (despite repeated "supportive" requests for "consideration") because she is six and still learning the entire world doesn't revolve around her. Her not cooperating and selfishness penalizes the entire family, they may be late or miss part of the movie. What to do? Fair warning has been given, pleasant tones used, and the six year old is no where near her boots or coat and everyone else is already in the car. In our home, either me or my husband stay home with defiant six year old. No tv, video games, or play time. Go get a book an sit in the living room until everyone gets home. We explain the rest of the family is going to the movie because they got ready on time, as pleasantly asked. This kind of situation happens maximum twice. Kids need to know they are part of a larger family unit that will not be held hostage to the whims of one person, we are a team. Should they CHOOSE to not participate (by being defiant) the consequence is that you get left behind with a disappointed parent and family time has been lost. My daughter (13) can tell you the one time she got left behind at home with mom, my son(11) had to repeat the experience twice (once with dad. once with mom) for him to realise we weren't fooling around. The seven year old has one under his belt. No one wants to be the person who wrecks the party. Once your children understand their choices reverberate beyond themselves they learn to be more considerate both at home and out in the world. There's nothing "high falutin" about that.

[Molly]

This is turning out to be an extremely interesting conversation with a lot of good points made and ideas for me to tuck away into my memory bank for later use. I do agree that while it is very important to model considerate behavior, and generally important to model as many virtues as one can manage (no bad language, help others, and so on and so forth), at the same time we are talking about CHILDREN and they do NOT absorb these values and lessons immediately. A six year old will not get it the first time, or the second time or the third time. It takes longer than that. I am discovering this now. Just because my daughter is no longer a toddler, this doesn't mean she is automatically, immediately ready to master considerate behavior. Part of the problem is that such concepts (altruism, postponement of gratification) are simply too abstract for the six-year-old. Their brains, I don't think, are ready to comprehend that stuff. But nor does this mean that we ought to start spanking our six-year-olds or reverting back to Caveman-type discipline. You see, this is the whole reason why I asked about school-aged kids. Toddlers are just babies on wheels, teenagers are nearly adults and can be reasoned with, but school-aged kids? They're in that gray area that I need to be more educated about. I hope more moms and dads will continue to add to this discussion. Thanks to all for the input!

[donna]

My six year old could read and write and was easier to reason with at 6 than when he was sixteen.
I don't remember ever punishing my children. If they were too young to accomodate to my demands or weren't able to for other reasons of personality or ability I tried to adjust my demands to their ages and abilities. School age children are wonderfully fun as they begin to discover the world of social life and personal goals. I had a really difficult spell with my second son when we were always fighting about his doing his homework and studying etc-this when he was nine-until I realized I was very impatient with him and the fact that he really hated things that I loved like Math. He really was unhappy at school. We changed his school, changed our expectations, and got him a Math tutor. More sports and lots of theatre and a dog worked wonders. Six year old girls are often little "bossy boots" as the English call it. Put her in charge of things . Let her be the boss and have the status she deserves as the first and the oldest and maybe you can make it work for you. I have found that personal time and attention from Mom and Dad
usually works wonders-but is often in short supply for obvious reasons.Children like to please their parents and they like to tell you who they are which gives you the chance to share their kives and guide them toward happy choices. That's my opinion.

[everymom]

Molly, I like your outlook! LOL on teenagers being reasoned with...I have a 13 yr old daughter, 19 & 15 yr old niece & nephew. When you hear about adolescent brains still developing up through the late teens, it's not a theory. (Teens are great fun but not grown-ups in diguise) I'll bet when you raise the bar of expectetion for your DD she will rise to the occasion.
By the way, I would be shocked if anyone in this particular community would advocate spanking or any other "Caveman type discipline". I would like to believe this group of women has evolved beyond that.

[Molly]

Definitely, you are right that all of us here are not the type to do Caveman discipline. Sorry about that. As for teens, I don't have personal experience with that yet. Also, Donna, thanks for the suggestion to let my six year old DD be the boss sometimes. It sounds like a good idea, can you advise how I could put it into practice beyond looking after her younger siblings (with me nearby)?What could she be the boss about? What privileges can I give her? Be in charge of what?........

[everymom]

Choices of which outfit to wear in the morning ( the blue shirt or the red one?)
What vegetable to eat for dinner (carrots or corn?)
Which snack would you like for school (goldfish or apple jacks?)
Please help with the shopping: let her choose the grapes at the market, pick 6 yogurt flavors, grab a baguette at the bakery, pick out the tissue boxes for the house, etc..
Which pajamas are you going to wear to night?
Bring three movies home from Blockbuster and she chooses the family movie.
When there are a succession of either/or choices presented, you not only learn your child's preferences, but they learn too. They become decision makers, in small but significant steps. Limiting the choices early on builds confidence in your child and helps keep your sanity at the same time.
Warm thoughts to you and your DD.

[Molly]

Those are some good ones. Thanks!!

[donna]

The letting them choose between selected items works well with three year olds also. Older ones can feel proud without feeling burdened. What design do you want us to put on your birthday cake? What should we do for daddy's birthday?
Do you remember being three? Tell me about it - it will help me with your siblings etc. But sometimes bossy boots do have to be reminded that they do not rule the world-they just haven't gotten that memo yet. Good luck. You're outnumbered at three chilkdren.

[everymom]

We have three, we may be out numbered but certainly not out-ranked! :)