How did you respond

[Emily]

Becoming a housewife is a very recent thing for me I am still finding a pattern in the day and settling into a new home. However, the support I would normally get starting a new job and home from friends is not there. The reactions from people have been mixed but generally negative, sadly. Other women have seen it as giving up, which saddens me. I see it as an option. I don't want to burn out with a career and housekeeping and hopefully child rearing. My aim is to conecnetrate on one area and be successful in that not just doing it all just about.

Have any of you had a similar experience, and what did you say to these people?

Some say its jelousy others a reverse snobbery.

[elsie]

The reactions over the years have been so mixed ... but mainly from other mothers, so it's hard for me to comment on society's reaction as a whole. Mainly I hear: "You're so lucky" ... then a bit of dismay when I tick off the "necessities" (cable TV, 2 cars, vacations, store-bought [not thrift-store] clothes) that we've gone w/out, some of which we're still w/out, 12 years after I embarked on this adventure. I think there's a clear recognition among most thinking people that there are sacrifices, emotional and material, involved in being primarily a sahm. It would be diff. if I were married to an exec and had an army of helpers (nanny, maid, etc) ... then I'm sure there would be a whole diff. set of comments. But overall I've gotten what I consider positive and measured reactions .... although often not exactly from the people whose opinions I respect .... kwim? I mean I don't really want to hear from someone that I'm blessed, b'c I'm doing what G#d ordained women to do.

If I feel put on the defensive or compelled to explain myself in any way, I usually tell people (truthfully) that I have a low stress threshold, and that having 2 careers in one family (vs. the current dynamic of a job for me, and a career for my husband) is not in my comfort zone, stress-wise. I'd rather give up some aspects of middle-class life, than stress myself to the max. I know this will be controversial, but in my mind there's no question that working and dealing w/strangers who are paid to raise your kids in your absence, brings w/it a whole set of challenges that I'm not up to deal w/.

The thing is .... I think (not that far ahead) to retirement ... and can't help but feel jealous that so many working moms of today will be enjoying far more exotic and meaningful lives than my husband and I will, b'c of my absence in the workforce. There's no question that a middle-class life today implies both partners contributing to all aspects of a family's financial fate.

[Kathy Carter]

You really got to the heart of this website, Emily. I think it takes an especially self-confident person to be a housewife in our world. For example, among my former colleagues in law, my choice is unthinkable; in my current parochial school environment, it's expected. Both of those extremes irritate me. You must not preach at people. I sometimes can't resist mentioning that I am educated and experienced at something besides motherhood. I feel left behind when I meet with old friends -- but they can't possibly love their jobs like I love mine! I start conversations with new people carefully until I get a feel for their attitude.

In the end, your own belief that you are doing what is best for you is all that matters. I say to people, as Elsie does, that I just don't like what it does to my family when I work full-time. I sometimes wish I were able to accomplish having-it-all, but I can't.

Best wishes!

[Marta Jespersen]

I think that you're absolutely correct. Meeting with people--whether they be old friends or possibly new--becomes somewhat challenging especially if they don't have children or aren't in a significant relationship. I don't shy away from mentioning my children and the fact that to some degree I'm a housewife. That is I do most of the housework, cooking and child rearing but, I'm a college student. So my days aren't spent at home; my MIL cares for the kids while we're gone. So I basically have 2 full time jobs: Student which involves bringing "the office" home and my most important job is being the end all to be all at home! And I am extremely proud of this and everyone who meets me learns that pretty much immediately. Don't be "cautious" about it because if they can't respect you for being the pillar which holds your home together then they're really not worth the time!

[B]

It depends. I actually have a few friends who are as well-educated as I am, every bit a feminist as I am, who are loving their lives at home with their babies as much as I am. We don't see it as letting down the cause or whatever else people like to throw at us for making our choice.

But then there are the friends who would never stay home or who don't have a child yet or who choose to work and raise their children at the same time. These friends and I have a hard time finding common ground sometimes. They look at my life as boring, I'm afraid. It changes the dynamic a lot...and what do I have to talk about other than the latest cute thing the kid did? (ha ha).

And the worst are the acquaintances, the people you are just meeting or my husband's coworkers...once it's revealed what I do for a living it's like focus moves elsewhere, I'm dropped, sinking into the background.

It's a hard adjustment. But, in reality, it's one of the sacrifices I'm happy to make for our family life to be what we want it to be (along with no cable, no eating out, no purchases that aren't absolutely necessary - my husband doesn't make the money that makes this life easier but we make sacrifices to make it work, and debt is always on the horizon).