Are you a Feminist struggling to make sense of domestic life?

Friends

At the risk of sounding extremely dull and pathetic, I ask: how do moms make friends?

I've been getting stir crazy this winter, and have suddenly noticed that my friendships have kind of fizzled out since I had kids. Moving when Asher was 8 months old meant I had to start over while taking care of him. Out here in middle-of-nowhere NH there are no Mommy & Me groups, Gymborees, or playgroups. Even my church doesn't have any young women...it's teens and the older crowd. I've now spent a year and a half here talking to moms at parks, the library, the farmers market, the grocery store, doula training, and a new book club...but it all seems to lead nowhere. I used to be shy, but this has turned me into someone who will strike up a conversation with anyone, in a desperate hope for someone (other than my husband and kids) to talk to! Does anyone else feel this way, or am I the only one who can't seem to make friends? How do people make friends when there are no schoolmates, coworkers or neighborhoods with "automatic" friends?

Until now I thought the stereotype of moms as socially-deprived people who never get to have grown-up conversations was an exaggeration, or else a result of being lazy and not making the effort to get out and have friendships. Now I'm not so sure! My husband jokes that as a mom of two I've given up my chance for a social life, but I don't think it has to be that way.

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Permalink Reply by Cathy on February 1, 2008 at 10:01pm: I found that I was in a similar boat when I had my first child 11 years ago. How to make friends when you have a child. I found that mom's groups helped me some, but if you don't have those around then that's not helpful (I called the mom's groups "Networking for SAH moms."

So here's what I did: I put myself out there. When I met a new mom somewhere and we hit it off, I pulled out my card and said, "It was great talking with you. It's been hard to meet others now that I'm at home most of the day. I don't know about you, but I'm getting stir-crazy without adult conversation. I'd love to meet again and have coffee if that works for you."

It felt like dating. Like picking up a date in a bar, but in this case it was a friend at a playground. Sometimes you're shot down. Sometimes you're not. It could be painful. You're vulnerable. It built character. It sucked sometimes. But when it clicked, it was great!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Marta Jespersen on February 1, 2008 at 11:14pm: I completely understand where you're coming from! After having my first son it seemed like everyone whom I had called a dear and beloved friend was uninspiring. We had little to nothing in common anymore--picking up strangers at bars just doesn't work when you're engaged and breastfeeding! I felt desperate for other moms to talk to and share my experiences with. I live in a large city so there's no lack of mommy-and-me's etc. but, taking the innitiative can prove extremely rewarding. Maybe, seeing as there aren't any mommy groups where you're living, you could take the first steps towards creating one. When you're out and strike up a conversation with someone just ask them if they'd be interested in a community "play-date" for the kids and the mom's to make some new friends and share their experiences. Once you get enough feedback on that then you can either scrap it or move forward.

Just don't get discouraged because eventually you'll have a pretty cool mom tale to tell. Remember that making friends isn't always an instantaneous thing sometimes it takes babysteps, especially when you live in a small, "secluded" community. I hope that this helps you somewhat.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Amy J. on February 2, 2008 at 11:06am: Do you have a La Leche League locally? Even if you have to drive a bit you may find it rewarding. I made some wonderful friendships though LLL, and it was so nice to meet other moms who were in the same boat, and whose children were the same age as mine.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Charlotte on February 2, 2008 at 2:49pm: Marta, Thanks for the idea -- I had never thought about trying to start a group. There must be other moms in the same boat who would be glad for a chance to get out! And now that I'm not working I'd definitely have the time to work on it; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jenny on February 9, 2008 at 2:34pm: I know how you feel Charlotte! I am in the same boat. It is a lot harder for me to get out because not only do I have my son, but I also babysit two other children. I just looked into going to the story times at the library. We will see how that goes with all three of them. Also, I found out that our town has a MOMS club. It is an international group. Their website is www.momsclub.org Our moms club meets three times a month. One is for a business meeting, then a playgroup, and the third is a mom's night out. The children are allowed to come to all the meetings except mom's night out. Our local chapter charges $25/year for membership. Also, The Parents as Teachers program is a nationwide group. I have someone come in quarterly to meet with me and my son and give us ideas on activities to do for his development. They also do developmental testing every year to make sure he is on track. This is great for us so if something is out of sorts we are able to catch is early! All of the parents as teachers stuff is free to. Our local group does monthly playgroups at the library. Their website is www.parentsasteachers.org I hope this information helps!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sam M on March 26, 2008 at 11:45am: I have always had a hard time making friends and when I met my husband I made a ton of new friends but when I had our son all of our friends disappeared. So up until recently I had no friends what so ever and I was on my favorite site and came across some one starting a craft group in my city and now I have a few new friends and its a good way to get out of the house.; ▶ Reply to This