"That's no way to raise a man!"

[Erin C]

My grandparents recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. We had a big party/reception for them and I believe that they had a great time. Of course, I needed to bring their first great-grandchild, nine month old Simon, to the celebration, which I was happy to do.

However, this celebration brought out a lot of people, most who were my age in the '50s and early '60s, and put them on a collision course with me. Some notable conversations happened, which I would like to share with all of you.

The one referenced in the title of this post was spoken by my great uncle Jerry, from Tennessee. I was sitting away from most of the other people, breastfeeding Simon. Jerry boiled over and said, "You're still feeding him from your...", gesturing uncomfortably at his chest, "...that's no way to raise a man!"
Somewhat shocked, I stuttered "...but he's a baby."
Jerry curtly replied "And he always will be thanks to you," and stormed off.

That was one of those moments where I wish I could be as clever as Doctor Who, defeating enemies by making them feel bad about what they are doing.

The next situations happened when I was carrying Simon in a sling. There's not a unique conversation that stands out in my mind, but here are some quotes:
"Why don't you just put him down?"
"He's never going to walk if you keep carrying him."
"You're spoiling him."
Wait, I was mistaken. One quote does stand out in my mind, again from uncle Jerry, "You should let him come to Tennessee with me. Give me a week and I'll make a man out of him."

Ok, one more and then you'll be free to tell me your thoughts. Cousins of my grandfather, who were mostly polite but obviously uncomfortable about my previous antics, asked me if Simon watched any kids shows. I started to say something about Baby Einstein and they nodded approvingly, saying that their grandchild now loved Vivaldi. I then broke rapport with them with this sentence: "He also likes Sesame Street - especially Elmo."
"Oh, you've got to be careful with Sesame Street," he said, "their message is not always right." (emphasis his, not mine)
Again, I was not up to snuff in dealing out clever responses, so I said, "Uh....I guess you've got to be careful with anything..." and wandered off, muttering something about changing Simon's diaper.

So...are you laughing? Outraged? Think I'm whining? Tell me!

[Judy]

Your restraint is admirable. I don't know if I would have been able to keep from responding just as rudely to the comments you were bombarded with! Sorry, but Uncle Jerry sounds like a dick. I am outraged!

You could have told good ol' Jer that breastfeeding has been clinically proven to fend off assholish tendencies later on in life.

Merry Christmas!

[Erin C]

I'd love to say that my (mostly) polite responses were due to restraint, but that would be a bit dishonest. I didn't throw back any biting comments because I was mostly too shocked to say anything. I'm still amazed by how forward and judgmental people are to new parents. I love your suggested comeback - I'll practice it for Christmas family gatherings!

Happy holidays to you too!

[Summer]

I don't come up with the clever responses until afterwards. LOL Though it might have been something like "What, men don't like breasts?"

Some people just don't get it, and there's not much you can do to change that.

[Edie]

Everyone has their own opinion on the "One Right Way to Raise A Child" -- and parts of every one of them are probably right on...for them and their children. But Simon is your child, and the neat thing is that you get to parent him the way you want to. You won't be able to please everyone. In fact, there will be times you won't please any of them. But so what? It's between you and Simon and Matthew to figure out. You'll make mistakes -- we all do -- and my hope for you is that you'll be open to learning from them.
And by the way, only parts of what you figure out with Simon will work with your next child, so be prepared to start all over again when/if the next one comes along.

[Marta Jespersen]

In terms of your Uncles comment about the breastfeeding I definately disagree but the one thing I do agree upon with your relatives is the spoiling business. I have two children one is two and the other is almost one. My M.I.L. has been living with my husband and I since prior to the youngests birth, when he was born she would carry him, and carry him and never put him down until she decided it was time to go to bed. My two-year-old, on the other hand, was hardly carried (except when he was cholicy) he has been extremely independant since he was 5 mos. old. The younger is constantly begging for attention and, if I put him down for so much as two seconds he begins to scream. HE WAS CODDLED AND NOW HE'S SPOILED!!! I'm pretty old-fashioned about this issue. I listened to my mom when I had my first son and it worked my M.I.L. butted in on the second and well I don't sleep very well at night!

[Erin C]

Yikes! I'm sorry about the troubles with your mother in law! I don't carry Simon all the time. I way just carrying him that day because there were over 100 people in the room and I didn't want him to get stepped on or tripped over. He mostly roams around our house, trying to see how close he can get to wires and such before I say no.

Thanks for your reply!

- Erin

[Marta Jespersen]

Well, I'm glad that you allow your little one to have his independance as much as possible. It's so important, in my opinion, to let them discover their surroundings on their own. While I was on my three week break from classes I did my best to break Sebastian of the carrying habit and it's been fairly successful. He's been crawling about and getting into everything he can. Any suggestions about getting him to try new foods...he has a bit of a sweet tooth. That is he only likes foods that are sweet such as fruits and sweet peas.

[Christine]

Please do not feel bad about carrying your son. Every child is different. I know a 2.5 year old who was attached to the hip until her baby brother was born when she was two. She was carried a lot and was always pretty shy. She is now becoming more and more independent (in her own time) and chats and visits with everybody. It is really not necessary for a 5 month old to be extremely independent. Fact is that babies need us. I think it is important for our children to be able to trust us. You really don't need to explain yourself.

[Jessica Star]

My seven week old has needed constant holding ever since we brought him home from the hospital. I don't know why some babies are like this and some are more content to be put down, but every child is different. Since I practice attachment parenting, I've read lots of books about carrying babies in slings all day and how it actually fosters their independence. They trust that you will be there for them and therefore feel more confident exploring the world away from you when they get older. Granted, this is my first child, so I don't have any experience besides this one. But I refuse to believe I'm spoiling my child. This is one of the main ideas behind attachment parenting, that in the first year of life a baby CAN'T be coddled and spoiled. Every child is different and I think you need to do what is right for each of them. If one baby needs holding in the first year of life, do it. If he is the type of baby who gets overstimulated from too much touch, put him down. Neither way is wrong if the child is happy. But I guess if the parent has a baby who needs lots of holding and the parent doesn't have the time to hold the baby, that is a problem. THANK GOD for my sling. With the sling, I pop the baby in and carry him all day and can get lots of stuff done. He and I are both happy. And I know quite a few other mothers that have done it this way and the baby naturally grew out of wanting to be held all the time. Perhaps it takes longer for some than others.

[Cassandra]

RAAWR! It's situations like these that make my head want to explode. What a bunch of wankers!

First of all, it's nobody's business how you parent your children except for you and your husband. Secondly, you can discount the opinion of people who raised their children ~30 years ago right off the bat, because the medical establishment back then recommended that pregnant women have nightcaps and cigarettes to feel better, that disabilities can be blamed on bad parenting (and frankly, we're still having trouble with this!), and that babies should sleep on their bellies to prevent SIDS. Yeaaaah, we totally need their advice on antiquated parenting/gender roles, kthx!

Also, "I'll make a man out of him"?! If this comment were said to me (and frankly, it probably WILL be in a few months, depending on the gender of our baby), there wouldn't be restraints--physical, social or otherwise--big enough or strong enough to keep me from acting out the "ball-busting" feminist stereotype. I already have hairy legs, so why not?

<./seething resentment of people who still try to force 1950s gender roles on men, women, and children 0f 2008>

[Despot housewife]

Hello,
I am an avid practitioner of the Sear's attachment parenting method and I have received nothing but negativity from my family in laws. I think it's a paradigm shift in child raising and it makes people uncomfortable because they have to look back on their methods and maybe feel they made the wrong choices. I usually get comments like those from Uncle Jerry by sexually ambivalent males that probably would have been better served if they had received their mother breast. A lot of men just can't get past the sexual part of the breast. It can be shocking how rude people can be. I once had a complete stranger in a park ask me if I was going to be feeding him in public when he is 11 ( he was 18 months at the time). (this was a young women by the way) I just keep saying to myself that its better to err on the side of too much love and attachment than too little. Hang in there!

[Amy J.]

I'm sorry you went through that-please be comforted by the fact that following your maternal instincts and doing what you know to be right for your child is indeed the right path. You will get some compliments too, I promise you that. I always nursed my babies when they needed to be nursed, whenever or wherever we were. I have had several OLDER people-sixties and seventies-say things to me like, "it's good to see that again", "there's a smart Mom", or smile at me when they saw I was nursing. I have never had a rude comment from a stranger, but plenty of positive ones. Now family is another story. I have had to ignore some rudeness. Usually the people who are vocally rude are the least likely to listen to reason, so I don't waste my energy on them. It sounds as if you will have to do quite a bit of ignoring. Try not to let it get to you. You are doing a good thing just by challenging them to look at your confident actions as the norm. Continue to be confident around them and hopefully they will give you some respect.