His Way or the Highway?

[Chrissie]

In my marriage it is either "his way" or the highway basically.
Almost always my husband disregards my opinions and feelings in favor of his own. He says that he knows what is best for us and I do not apparently. Before marriage and motherhood, before meeting him, I was very independant and outspoken. Either my opinion matter/was taken into consideration or I just wasn't "with you". Now that I am married it seems like I have no voice at all and that I'm destined to just follow him around for the rest of my life. Do any of you have this issue? How do you cope? What do you do when you desperately want to speak up?

[Cathy]

Hi Chrissie,

I worry. What happens when you do speak up? Does he belittle you? Does he intimidate you either verbally or physically? My concern is that if you feel unable to speak up and voice an opinion is that there might be the subtle undercurrent of physcial threats out there. Am I incorrect? I sure hope so.

So... the questions you have to ask are these: Why did I marry this man? What do I love him? Is it still worth it?

[Jewelsie]

I'm just recently married, and at first he had a hard time realizing that I'm not just a bubble-headed girl, and that I have real, logical ideas in my head. This was especially hard for him with things that he does best, like working on computers or on the house. It made me really sad to know that he thought I wasn't as smart as him.

But I talked to him about it. I calmly asked him if he would sit down and just listen to what I had to say, and when he agreed, I told him how hurt I felt when he didn't listen to me. That I have real life experience to back up my thoughts and opinions and that, sometimes, two heads are better than one.

I think it takes some people a little time to wrap their heads around the fact that, in a marriage, you're not always going to have the last word. That you have to try to make everyone happy.

[Bickaboo]

Hi Chrissie,

I, too, am troubled by your post. You sound resigned to your fate. Please know that that's not the case. If a heart-to-heart discussion with your husband about the inequality in your relationship doesn't make him see the light of day, I really think you should suggest marriage counseling.

It's quite possible that he'll shape up once he realizes just how unhappy you are (assuming he doesn't fully grasp this already). I know that women with children have a much tougher decision to make when it comes to potentially leaving their spouses, but also consider how your relationship will affect your chidlrens' views of relationships in general. I'm not sure if you have boys, girls or both, but would you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it's normal for the wife to be subservient and silent--or your son to grow up expecting his future wife to be that way?

It truly sounds as though your husband does not respect you as a wife, mother or individual. It's up to you to demand this respect and to not settle for anything less. If he refuses to give it, then you may well have some very tough decisions to make. These decisions might be terrifying, but they can't possibly be worse than your current situation, can they?

Please keep us posted...

[Lauren]

I agree with those who say that you need to find a way to make your marriage an equal partnership, rather than one person running the show all the time. Just because you're in a more traditional role does not mean you always have to submit. Every woman deserves a voice in her own home.

[Marion]

Well first, is he making good decisions? When you look back at it, can you see that the decisions he made were for your benefit? Because you will handle it differently depending on if he's doing a good job or a bad one as the "leader" of your family.

If he's doing a good job of it, read "the surrendered wife" by Laura Doyle. It will make every pore of your feminist body scream, but in practice it is VERY effective for getting what you want. It's less surrender and more subversion.

If he's from a traditional or religious background, his stance isn't unexpected. You can choose to go along with it, subvert it quietly, or fight it outright. Personally, I find fighting it outright to cause more problems than solutions.

[Pam Skog]

The thing I tell the young women who are getting married, or moving in for the first time, is what you do now lays the foundation for the next 50 years. You don't have to rule the roost, but neither does he. I am a firm believer in equals.

My husband and I are very open with each other and sometimes talking things out doesn't work, but more often then not it truely does. The trick is... One topic at a time, not too many things in a row. If you connect them so does he. The whole attack/defense thing holds true too. Tell him you need to talk, but if you can, hold hands when you do it. Tell him what you are thinking/feeling about your feelings/thoughts being ignored, but stick to I feel like my thoughts don't count, rather than You don't care about my feelings. Most men really do want to fix it and will try. Talk to him with no distractions, TV Off, Kids not there/sleeping.

If talking to him doesn't work the next question is Is this something you can live with for the next 50 years?

[Jenny Gilberd]

Speak up!! Loud and proud sister :)

My husband shares similar "qualities" with your husband, till I put my foot down and declared that I was a human in an equal partnership who has opinions and feelings that matter EQUALLY.
My rule of thumb is that if someone is completley unwilling to change, cannot respect Me in all my inner beauty and cannot understand my anger at their behaviour - then they are not worth being around.
Just because we wear wedding rings we do not have to follow a man around blindly all our lives, accepting being treated like a second class citizen in the contract. Stay strong and SPEAK UP LOUD. xxx