His Way or the Highway?

[Chrissie]

In my marriage it is either "his way" or the highway basically.
Almost always my husband disregards my opinions and feelings in favor of his own. He says that he knows what is best for us and I do not apparently. Before marriage and motherhood, before meeting him, I was very independant and outspoken. Either my opinion matter/was taken into consideration or I just wasn't "with you". Now that I am married it seems like I have no voice at all and that I'm destined to just follow him around for the rest of my life. Do any of you have this issue? How do you cope? What do you do when you desperately want to speak up?

[Marta Jespersen]

Hi Chrissie,
I understand how you feel, to some extent, my husband does rather often pull his "veto" as the head of the home despite what I think or feel about it. One thing that I have done, in the past when it was a bigger issue, was to make sure that he heard me!!! If there was a big decision that needed to be made I made him sit and listen to what I had to say. I showed him that I am capable of logical thought and rationalizing...I even introduced him to the pro's and con's on paper method for decision making. It took some time but it worked for us. He still claims his position as the head of our house but with greater respect for me and my opinions....I think it has to do with the 3 a.m. bedtimes so that I can get some school work done and house work too. Never the less, you need to let him know what's on your mind and in your heart and if that doesn't work then maybe get some professional advice. Explore your options and try to stay cool, calm and collected.

[laura]

ever marrige is different.. you should sovle this now with your hubby.. it is a parntner ship.. life is to short..i took the highway and am happy as hell.. i have a voice, feelings and a life again.. single for 5 years and free... but this is not for everone.. you look young.. i was married for 23 years

[Emily HW]

Hmmm... I just speak up. I guess the biggest thing is making SURE you have a voice.

When Adrian and I first were married, the same thing happened a lot. It wasn't that he thought he knew the best for us or anything; it's just that he was really outspoken, and didn't think to ask my opinion. Finally, I became sick of it, and started to interject my opinion into everything. Finally, after a bunch of fights over it, he started to respect my opinion and ask for it as well.

Remember -- fighting in your marriage isn't bad. You need these arguments to re-oil the gears every once and awhile. I think a lot of women are afraid of speaking up because they are afraid of being alone... but a man who leaves a woman for speaking her mind isn't worth having anyway.

I'm sure he'll begin to adjust. Just keep trying!

[Karin(makopop)]

I just speak up..

But
In our home it's more my than his way..lol..

Maybe I am lucky with my sweet husband. His mother was a feminist, so maybe I should be more thankful to her.
I am from the Netherlands by the way, so maybe there's a little difference between our cultures?

I know I am not very helpful, but I wanted to reply, because I am feeling kind of sad for you.

So come on girl, raise your fist and slam it on the table..

Good Luck!!
xx Karin

[Christine]

My husband is very quiet. I definitely do most of the talking. I have some pretty strong opinions, too. There really aren't a lot of issues that we don't agree on. But he will tell me if I am somewhat unfair and don't let him voice his opinion. I like it when he tells me, because sometimes I get ahead of myself and don't realize it. When he lets me know what I am doing I can change my ways.
I really think it would help if you told your husband how you feel. Tell him that you believe marriage is a partnership and that even though he thinks he knows what is best for your family, it might be helpful for him to consider other opinions, too. Sometimes we think we know something, but when we discuss it with somebody else, we realize that there are better options or other ways to do things. He really can't argue with that.
When I was almost 15 I started dating my first boyfriend. We were together for almost 5 years. I was really young and easily taken advantage of. With him it was also his way or the highway. He would go so far as to say that I shouldn't go on our yearly 2 week family vacations, that I shouldn't wear short skirts because my legs were too big, etc. He was very controlling even though he was only a year older than me. He constantly disregarded my opinions. Although my situation was quite different from yours, my warning bells still went off when I read your post.
Your husband must have known that you were outspoken and independent before he married you, right? If something comes up, just speak up. Maybe not right there and then,take him aside in a quiet moment and say what you think. And keep doing it. Just go from there and see what happens.

[Marta Jespersen]

I just wanted to say that I think you are very strong! It takes a great deal of strength to keep quiet, peaceful and rational. My parents relationship is the same way; my dad gets to put his foot down and my mom just goes out and takes care of it...not always in the exact way he wants it done but she gets it done. If my dad could he'd go out and take care of it too but because he travels so much (long-haul trucker) he's not able to take care of everything. I have watched my mom bite her lip and shrug it off when she KNOWS that my dad was wrong about something; she'd always wait to tell him how she felt until we were in bed that way we never heard of any discension in the house (which is important). On occasion my dad would realize where he went wrong in his thinking and make the necessary changes the next day. The important thing to remember is that each relationship is different. For some couples the wife is the end all to be all and in others it's the husband and others are a complete partnership...things don't happen unless both parties agree. Remember that your relationship is beautiful and (it should be) based on your love and respect for each other. It is unique and yours. As long as your family is happy then things will work out. If you're Christian then try asking the Lord for strength, patience and charity towards your husband especially when it comes to the bigger issues. Faith and prayer are the answer for any Christian woman.

This is a scripture which really inspires me to keep my faith, keep feeding that little mustard seed of hope:

And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities. (Luke 19:17)

I hope that this inspires you. God Bless.

[Tracy!]

No, I don't have this issue fortunately because my husband agrees we are a team. That doesn't go to say I don't have moments where I want to punch him in the face because he's being an idiot man or he doesn't feel the same for be being an idiot woman but ultimately we are, a team! We don't make decisions without one another, and if we feel differently we compromise (I normally win, ha ha!)

You need to talk to him
Marriage is about teamwork, and pulling together not one way or the highway, that's bullshit.

[Lizzie]

Hi Chrissie:

Some men (Bless their pointed little heads.) take years to come around. However, I have found that once I talk calmly (ok, not always) with my spouse, he eventually sees my point. Maturity also helps a man understand his woman. Immaturity in one or both spouses, is the kiss of death. I've been married almost 31 years and trust me, we've run the gamut of good & bad times in our marriage. I had to remind him repeatedly that just because he says "Sure honey, go do whatever it is that will make you happy." does not mean that he's being supportive of me. It simply means that he wants you to run along, do what you want, but don't make him be included or participate in any way.

Not exactly what most wives have in mind, and certainly not what I had in mind. In my opinion, marriage is a constant struggle from the beginning, and is a series of ups & downs while two people learn to communicate while juggling jobs, chores & kids. It never really gets easier because it is a constant, living thing that needs perpetual & often monotonous maintenance & upkeep, just like all the things in our lives. This is essential if you plan to retain your identity in the midst of all the chaos called life.

Today, couples seem to find it easier to just give up than stick with it and try to work through their problems. The great fault in that is that you don't get the rewards that come from staying together thru all the crap. What most young couples today don't understand is that basically, marriage is all about sticking it out with the one you love. Even though you'll hate each other at times, there has to be a good, basic bond from the start. From there on, it's a crazy mix of emotions & arguments & eventual understandings that tumble to and fro throughout the years. Ego, greed and pride are emotions that should be thrown out of a marriage from the get-go, because they never do anyone any good... in or out of marriage.

The other key ingredient to a happy marriage is a sense of humor & a bit of childish playfulness. I've known a plethora of happily married couples and believe me when I tell you that not one of those couples was without these key ingredients. It's really just that simple.

The ultimate reward comes when you've raised wonderful children who later become your friends and the new relationship you have with your spouse once the kids are grown & gone. When discussing things with your spouse it is often necessary to remind them of this, for some unkown (to me) reason. (Again, Bless their pointed little heads.) This might have to be done more than you might think. At least that was my own experience. I can't tell you how many times over the years I've been in the heat of an argument with hubby and had to ask him if I am of any value to him. It works everytime in making him re-focus , getting the argument back on track, so to speak. It's never easy getting a man to understand our emotions, since we always seem to have so many. It's always baffling to husbands, for sure. We just have to gently guide them *toward the light* and pray that they will positively benefit from your guidance.

If your man doesn't respond to any of this, then he may need further training. If he still doesn't come around, then it would be apparent he's not willing to bend, so I say dump the moron. Let some woman lacking a will of her own have him.

Just my honest opinion...

[yeomanpip]

Hi Chrissie.

This kind of thing upsets me.

Marriage should be a partnership of equality, where 2 people can discuss things and both sides should be taken into account.

But, so often thats not the case.

Is it possible for you to find a neutral place, like a restaurant, and tell him how you feel?
or is he to bone-headed for that?

In my experience of men talking to each other, he probably 'needs' you more than you 'need' him.

You do need to tell him how you feel, and like Lizzie says gently guide him 'toward the light'.

I wish you the best.

[Pat]

Men have no veto except by consent or coercion.
Recognizing which is which is important in any marriage to keep score.

[cara]

this is what you do you agree yes what he says matter but you have just as much right as he does on being in controleyou can do so much on what he say you have the right to do as you say do what he says to a certain point then you do as you mind no what is right to do

[H.Mama]

Speak up - because you are in a partnership. By all means work with your strengths and with his but your opinions and his deserve equal respect and consideration.
I t does take time to work out but it can be great to find your partner/spouse has really become your best friend.
Respect and be kind to yourself, respect and be kind to others and always require that they respect and are kind to you!
Hope things are working for you now.