Name Game

[Judy]

As I was driving home from the gym this weekend, I heard part of an interesting feature on CBC radio (Canadian National radio station). The discussion was the new wave of women deciding to take on their husbands' names after marriage and the various reasons for doing so.

So, did you take your husband's name? Why or why not?

Personally, taking my husband's name had nothing to do with "traditional" reasons but rather what my maiden name meant to me. The way I see it, a name represents what and who you are. I have not had contact with my father for many years and often asked my mother if I could adopt her family name. For one reason or another it never happened. So, when my wedding came around I decided to change my name and forever be done with a last name that had no meaning for me.

I love my married name and do not miss my maiden name. Now, I feel my name represents a strong lineage that I am proud to be a part of.

What about you?

[everymom]

"O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
Bt any other name would smell as sweet;...
...And for that name, which is no part of thee,..."

Perhaps a name represents who we affliate with rather than who we are. The way you and the people who share your name conduct your lives speak volumes. Shakespeare cetainly understood that!

[Stacey]

I am new (just joined today); I have been browsing, becoming familiar and came across this forum. I think it is an interesting topic and am also curious about this new trend.

I took my husbands name for a few reasons. I, like you--Judy, had no attachment to my maiden name; it did not fill me with pride or invoke any sense of connection for me. My parents are divorced and my mother has had a different last name for ten years.

I was also married (at nineteen) before (for a short time) and took his name--mainly because we had a child with that name. I was more than ready to dump that name. [on another subject, my daughter from this marriage asked to change her name to my current husband's (her step-dad) name. We did not have her name legally changed but allowed her to go by whatever name she chose. This caused all kinds of hard feelings between her and her father, guilt, blame and duty heaped onto her. This is another interesting trend (I can think of other examples of kids doing this). ]

My current husband and I looked into creating a brand new name and even tried on a few. Ultimately we decided to just keep his name. I honestly do feel a sense of pride and connection with it. My husband's father (a wonderful man) died ten years ago; my husband is the only son and also the only one using the family name.

It may sound weird --but I like the sense of history (and future) that I feel in claiming this name. It carries the meaning that we attach to it: a loving father who struggled to support a family while pursuing his education, doting grandparents who ran an ice house in an agrarian small town, a rise from poverty, love shared between two individuals, the co-creation of our son and his beautiful (home, water) birth. This name invokes all of this meaning for me.

It is our name and also my name, symbolizing the us (family) and the me (individual), a perfect metaphor for my life.

[everymom]

Beautifully written.
Warm thoughts to you & your family

[evelyne]

but doesn't your own family's last name have a history too? is his family story more dramatic, or you're more proud of it than your own family's history? are they just closer to you now than the family where you grew up?

i'm not married and i'm not on speaking terms with my father. for a while i wanted to take my mother's maiden name, but it's not english so i'd spend the rest of my life hearing people butcher it, just as i've heard francophones butcher my english last name every time i'm in quebec. i wish it were easier to have a fluid name, so i could go by my mother's maiden name in quebec, and use my english last name in ontario. you can go by whatever you tell people, but changing it legally is a hassle. i don't think i'd take my husband's name if i got married. at the same time, i wouldn't mind if he wanted to take mine.

i came across these solutions to the surname issue years ago. it's a brief summary of issues and offers a couple solutions: http://www.nicemice.net/amc/soapbox/surnames.var

[everymom]

Both of our families have interesting and dramatic stories attached to our last names. Our first names are also laden with history and meaning for the people who chose them for us. That being said, we are not only our names. Depending on where you live and who you know, your name could possibly bring honor or shame, accolades or scorn, but only defines you should you chose to allow it. We are bigger than our names. Names can be changed but our true selves are permanent, no matter what we call them.

[Stacey]

"Names can be changed but our true selves are permanent, no matter what we call them."

I love that.

[Stacey]

"but doesn't your own family's last name have a history too? is his family story more dramatic, or you're more proud of it than your own family's history? are they just closer to you now than the family where you grew up?"

Yes, my family name has a history, no his family's story is not more dramatic, no I am not more proud of it than my own, nor I am closer to them than my family.

My decision was personal, and carries the meaning that I attach it. Its history only has the significance that I give it. In claiming it, I choose what it means to me.

I considered other options. This one was the best for me.

I support your right to make the choice that is best for you (whatever that may be).

[Amy V.]

I really struggled with the name change issue, but in the end decided to take on hubs' name and drop my maiden name. I didn't marry until my mid 30's, and I have (had?) a career where name recognition is crucial.

But my sister has two last names, and keeps telling me what a hassle it is in daily life. It's really long, and doesn't fit on many documents (if I did the same, mine would be even longer). And our two last names sound weird together. Actually, my first and middle name sound odd with his last name, but I'll get used to it.

But hubs' ex (don't even get me started) had planned on keeping the name. And the thought irritated the hell out of me. I did NOT want the same name as that woman! Particularly annoying is that HER first and middle name sound good with his list name (more similar ethnicity).

BUT she got maaaaried! And is changing her naaaame!!! *happy dance*

The factor that tipped the balance for me is that hubs is taking a professional position in a place new to both of us, though his ex (and young child) live nearby--the big attraction of this position for him, obviously.

So my name recognition will no longer be a factor. And it's a small, probably conservative community.

So I caved.

[Marion]

I did not change my name during my first marriage, even though we had a child together. I simply explained that she has her dad's last name and I have my dad's last name.

I didn't plan on it during my second, but he said "It's important to me, but if you don't want to, I'll understand." Much more effective than if he had argued!!

So I added his name and now carry two names. It's a pain in the butt. Too long for many forms, doesn't fit on my credit cards.. (Most of them say Mario instead of Marion because I run out of space). I wish I had changed it all the way, but doing it after the fact is more difficult than doing it at the time of marriage, I think.

On a lineage note, I'm very into genealogy, and my husband's name has been spelled 4 different ways in 6 generations, so it would be silly to get too attached to it. Mine has changed a few times, but over centuries.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm going to see about changing it all the way. Maybe it's not as much money/hassle as I think.