struggling with gender/power (and also not)

[Sara]

Despite knowing that within the walls of my house, I am a fully-aknowledged agent with a voice, experiencing patriarchy on the outside (and you know, on TV and in the movies etc) makes me constantly suspicious I am being oppressed.

I assume that on some level my DH must think I'm not worth as much as he is because I don't contribute money to the household, even though he has NEVER said anything like that and actually feels hurt when I've communicated any of my worries. Does anyone else do this? What the hell is wrong with me? Even though as the mother I have pretty awesome power in my family, I am still obsessed with the idea that I'm not achieving the way my husband is, with not having the same power in-the-world that he does.

At the same time, being a housefrau makes me feel really intimately connected with women globally and with women's history in really profound ways, like the things I do everyday are echoed all over the universe, all the time.

Blabitty-boo, one of the babies' is crying. Back to history-present, I guess.

[Marta Jespersen]

Trust me, you are not alone. My husband says that he hears what I have to say and that he respects me and thinks that I work really hard but, there are some days when he pulls his "veto" claiming that when I start making money I can decide how to spend it....it sounds harsher coming out of my fingers than it does when it comes out of his mouth! This usually happens when money is a little tight and I feel that we need something more than he needs something. I think that it's just a way for him to mask his feelings and/of fears of inadequacy to provide for all of the needs. It's their way of coping. If you let yourself feel powerless then you will become powerless. If it were to make you feel more like a contributing member then maybe take on an extra child or two for before and after school. This will give you a feeling of independance and it can better your financial situation. It could become extra money to put towards an RESP for the little one or an RRSP for you two or simply extra vaca money. Whatever you decide (make this a joint decision...be an example for him!) is what will be best for you. Remember don't just spring this type of decision on him because men can't handle this sort of news too well at least not if they're just told and not consulted.
Remember you made the choice to be at home don't make that decision into something that makes you powerless. I hope that helps!

[Aphie]

because men can't handle this sort of news too well
OUCH, Marta! Check your gender generalisations there, coz last time I checked the majority of both men AND women don't like being told what to do without consultation as to their feelings. I don't think it's fair to discount either your husband's opinion or your own.
And after all, he's not omnipotent, how's he going to know if your daughter or son needs new school shoes when he's off to work before you get them ready in the morning, and doesn't come home till the evening? Or if you're not coping with the current laundry load and need a bigger machine, etc?


Sara, this is something my partner and I have really struggled with - and it's been HARD.
I came home from the UK, where I spent six months living in a sharehouse, supporting myself by myself in a foreign country - and before that I spent a year in a flat that was just mine, where all the bills were just mine - and now I am unemployed, pregnant, and entirely fiscally dependent on my partner.
We've had lots of conversations about it, and will probably continue to - he's not sure of calling himself a feminist, but he's definitely an ally, so he gets the issues that bother me. One of these is the concept of "women's work" being traditionally devalued - stuff like housework. We REALLY struggle with this, because I'm not the world's best housekeeper, and we don't know quite how the work that I would do around the home should be counted in terms of the money he brings home - from a job where he spends a lot of time wandering around chatting to people or reading (he's an on-campus security guard). The situation's even more complicated by our housemate - who's unemployed, on a disability pension because he can't do heavy manual labour whilst waiting for his heart surgery, and who is like an overgrown teenager in his ideas of how a house should be (in terms of cleanliness and his contributions to it). I expect things to get even more complicated when our baby arrives - because is that "what we wanted" or extra work? Or both? And how does that divide in terms of the work he does outside the home?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions for myself, let alone anybody else. And as it stands I feel bad asking for more money from him for my craft and personal expenses (clothes, skincare, coffee with friends), but he has no compunctions about buying his hundred dollar models - it's his money, after all, and he doesn't spend money that's better spent on bills. Roll into the mix that we have different fiscal policies too - he likes to enjoy things, go out for meals regularly, and I'm thrifty to the point of stinginess at times (especially when saving for things I really want - like trips overseas), and will live on pasta for dinner every night for months at a time to save money towards projects.

My discomfort with all of this has made me realise that although before I got pregnant I always said I'd stay home until my kids went to school, it may be a better option for me to work a day or two a week once Splodge is two or three - because a more mentally and emotionally fulfilled mama is going to be a better mama/partner/head to be in for all.

[Aphie]

Wow that's long. Sorry!

[Marion]

You suspect that you may be oppressed because your husband earns and you don't, and he doesn't ever mention it.


Now that you've had a few days to think about it, do you realize how silly that sounds?

It sounds like you are a sahm with an agreeable husband. Of course you're going to sometimes think about what you are missing by staying home, just as those who work occasionally think about what they're missing by not staying home. Can't have it all in life.