Can a true feminist really believe that her husband should be the head of the household because her religious beliefs dictate it or is that counterproductive?

[Marta Jespersen]

So many people say that in order to be feminist you must be completely independant. But, is it wrong for me to think that-since he brings home the bacon he should have the last say on how it's prepared? Am I totally crazy for believing that, as Jesus is the head of the Christian Church, my husband should be the head of my home and that it is his ultimate responsibility to provide for us?

[Erin C]

Wow, what a weighted question. I think it could get a bit complicated to answer everything at once, so please bear with me while I break it down.

"So many people say that in order to be feminist you must be completely independant."
You're absolutely right, many people do say that. They are also missing the main point of feminism, which is that women should have and deserve the right to choose their own paths. That is, if you'd like to be completely independent, relying on no one, you should be able to, but it's certainly not required.

"But, is it wrong for me to think that-since he brings home the bacon he should have the last say on how it's prepared?"
As I said above, you should have the right to choose. However, I do have a couple questions for you: if you could make more money than him working outside the home while he stayed at home, would you do it? Would you want to "...have the last say on how it's [the bacon] prepared?"

"Am I totally crazy for believing that, as Jesus is the head of the Christian Church, my husband should be the head of my home and that it is his ultimate responsibility to provide for us?"
Again, this goes with the right to choose. You have chosen and recognize Jesus as your leader and savior. Your faith is your own and it is not my place to say whether or not what I'm about to say will coincide well with your faith or conflict with it.
I do not think that you are crazy. However, saying that your husband carries the burden of providing for your family is not an idea that coincides with feminism well, as he should also have the right to choose. His rights are just as important.

"Can a true feminist really believe that her husband should be the head of the household because her religious beliefs dictate it or is that counterproductive?"
To answer this one, I'd like some clarification. What does feminism mean to you? Would you give me a description or an example of a 'true feminist'? As we've discussed in other threads, feminism/feminist mean different things to different people. I'd like to know what it means to you!

I look forward to your reply!

- Erin C.

[Emily HW]

Well, I have to interject because I think we are going off of some misconceptions about feminism, although I think that Erin's post is very eloquently written and brings up some great points.

The only people I have heard saying that feminists must be independent of men are criticizing feminism, not feminists! Most of the feminists I know who are in a relati0nship aren't independent or dependent, but, rather, the partners are co-dependent on one another. My belief is that this idea of "independence equating equality" that seemed prevalent in some of the earlier waves of feminism is the very reason that so many women are so burnt out; you can't go it alone! We -- not as just women, but humans! -- need support in our daily lives. That number one, very important person in your life (whether it be a husband, partner, best friend, family, etc.) needs to share in that dependence. That's what makes a relationship so special: you support one another!

Now, how you do this may vary from person to person. My husband and I trade off: While he was in school, I supported him financially, and when I start school this Monday, he will be supporting me. Yes, I do most of the domestic things, like cooking and laundry, but that's because I LOVE to cook and I'm anal retentive about the cleaning. You bet, though, that if I'm behind, which I will be when I'm in school, he helps out, and will be splitting the chores 50/50 when I begin my job as a teacher. As for handling the finances -- Adrian agrees that he isn't the best person for the job, so I dictate the budget, pay the bills, and figure out how much he can spend on his toys. :-) It depends on each person's strengths and weaknesses; this is what works for us, and we consider ourselves a pretty feminist couple. The biggest thing is what you agreed to when you got married.

I also disagree with the statement that it's your husband's responsibility to provide for your family. If your husband wants to bear this responsibility, then that is his choice. However, as feminists, we do not force our choices and paths on other people.

[Aphie]

Speaking as the person who feels like the most radical member of this community to date ;) -

I think that everything you express could be constructed as feminist choice - bar that last sentence.
IMO "ultimate responsibility" and feminism are in direct conflict - one smacks of absolutism, the other is about choice, for men as well as women. What if your husband is better suited - mentally and emotionally - to raising children than you are? If God made him that way, and you better suited to the business world, wouldn't it be better for both of you and your children, and more respectful of your beliefs and God not to fight the way he made you and use your skills best for your family and community?

I was raised Catholic, but left the Christian faith in my teens because I felt too much of it contradicted things that were important truths for me.
That said, I know plenty of amazing women who have an extremely strong and healthy faith in a variety of Christian churches. A lot of their beliefs around being Christian and feminist seem to revolve around "God gave me this brain and free choice for a reason - I'm going to use it and my other skills to the best of my ability, to benefit myself, my friends and family and community, and glorify Him."

[Emily HW]

A lot of their beliefs around being Christian and feminist seem to revolve around "God gave me this brain and free choice for a reason - I'm going to use it and my other skills to the best of my ability, to benefit myself, my friends and family and community, and glorify Him."

Well put, Aphie! And don't worry, you aren't the most radical; there are several of us who are like you here. Just take a look at the profiles: everyone comes from various points in their lives and has different views of feminism. This only creates more interesting and thought provoking questions (and answers!).

[Marta Jespersen]

Thank you ladies for your input. I would like to clarify, for those who are interested, that Feminism- in my opinion- is about being equal but different. He has his abilities and I have mine that doesn't make either one of us superior or inferior to the other. In fact, I believe that that is why God put the two of us together because the things that I'm well versed in are, generally, things that he isn't so apt to doing. If I might suggest some very beautiful and powerful feminist reading: Christine de Pizan. I suppose you could say that my brand of feminism is like the feminism which Mary Wollstonecraft and Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley would have advocated. Once more thank you for your input.

[Cassandra]

What a fantastic question... And I have to say that no, I don't think you're crazy at all, especially since I'm living in that paradigm as well. My husband and I are both members of the Church of Christ, which by today's standards is considering uber-conservative when it comes to measuring "equality".

We both believe, very firmly, that according to the tenants of our religion, he does have the last say when it comes to decisions about our family (and this does involve finances to a ridiculous extent). However, I don't feel my independence has been compromised because I know that, in whatever decision will be made, he knows my opinion on the topic and has considered, very carefully, what will be best for the family unit as a whole. That being said, I absolutely cannot say that every decision he makes is one I like, but knowing that he loves me and considered my preferences in making it eases my annoyance somewhat.

[Cassandra]

Er, considering = "considered". My bad.

[bluejay]

I believe you are hanging onto your religion to make you feel comfortable with staying at home. God made us all equal and gave us freedom of will. If you want to feel like the second citizen-and you will with the he-who-brings- home-the- bacon theory, it's your choice. But it will catch up on you as the years progress and I guarantee there will be resentment.

[Summer]

For me the difference is making that choice for yourself and your family verses deciding it is the best choice for every woman. A feminist can still make the traditional choices, as long as she supports free choice for other women. It's the anti-feminists that want to make all woman into traditional 1950's styled mothers.

[Marion]

Feminism is about being able to choose what is right for you as a woman, correct? So if, as a woman, you decide that your faith is the most important thing in your life, and that faith dictates the roles in your marriage, then that's fine.

Because it's your choice.